I'm Sorry (You're Welcome)

Disc 1:
1 - Gift From Derrick (Intro)
2 - Some Jokes That Have to Do With My Girlfriend, a Hotel in Boston, a Man in Provincetown, Twitter, Time vs. Timing, a Neck Pillow
3 - Sub Pop Showcase at SxSW
4 - Ask a Pastor
5 - Some Jokes That Touch Upon Religion, Guitar Center
6 - Linkedin Profile
7 - Time I Was Mugged in Mexico With Michael Stipe
8 - Girlfriend, Khaleesi, Any Questions, Making a ‘Zine
9 - Contacting Celebrities on Facebook
10 - Not Happy With a Parking Ticket I Got in Portsmouth, NH
11 - Paintings I Made to Showcase at My Local Whole Foods
12 - I Marry a Couple From the Audience on Stage
Disc 2:
1 - Welcome to the Meditation, Please Get Comfortable
2 - Body
3 - Feet & Legs
4 - Tummy, Doodle & Hoo-Hoo
5 - Heart
6 - Throat, Arms & Hands
7 - Head
8 - Thank You Body, Simple Ways to Relax
9 - Enter the Fuckscape
10 - Take a Ride on the Poon Schooner
11 - I’m a Dirty Little for eign Advisor
12 - I Thought I Was the Pancake Man
13 - You’re a World-Class Pussy-Grifter
Disc 3:
1 - Introduction
2 - Horse
3 - Horse Galloping
4 - Horse III
5 - Duck
6 - Duck II
7 - Dog
8 - Cat
9 - Cat Purring
10 - Cat Asking for Directions
11 - Two Sheep Arguing
12 - Mice Making Fried Rice
13 - Bear
14 - Wolf
15 - Fox Embarrassed About His Boner
16 - Giraffe Sleeping
17 - Turtle
18 - Turtle II
19 - Chicken Prostitute Haggling
20 - Shark
21 - Toilet Flushing
22 - Blender
23 - Automatic Door Opening
24 - Doorbell
25 - Alarm Clock
26 - Frying Pan Sizzle
27 - Teapot Whistle
28 - Dishwasher Running
29 - Telephone Ringing
30 - Telephone Falling on the Ground
31 - Shower Running
32 - Crackling Fire
33 - VCR Ejecting a Tape
34 - Group of Businessmen Agreeing
35 - Baby Locked in a Dresser
36 - Fart
37 - Long Fart
38 - Fart III
39 - Little Girl Crying
40 - Man Walking in Boots
41 - Screaming Man
42 - Screaming Woman Who Sounds Like a Man
43 - TV Audience Clapping at Food
44 - Drum Circle
45 - Rave
46 - Last Guy at a Rave
47 - Train
48 - Steam Engine
49 - Neon Sign
50 - Motorcycle
51 - Scanning an Item
52 - Feeling for a Ripe Avocado
53 - Jihadist After Seeing About a Boy
54 - Jack-in-the-Box
55 - Jigsaw Puzzle
56 - Fire Truck
57 - Video Game
58 - Italian Person Eating a Pizza Pie
59 - Naturalized Immigrant Doing a Job You Are Unqualified for
60 - Abortion Doctor Enjoying a Candy Bar
61 - Grand Wizard Can’t Find a Sock
62 - Powerful Senator
63 - Powerful Senator II
64 - Fighter Plane
65 - Ambient Noise in an Airplane
66 - Airplane Flying
67 - Police Siren
68 - Police Siren in Europe
69 - Police Siren in Belgium
70 - Gun Shot
71 - Machine Gun
72 - .357 Magnum Inside a Watermelon
73 - Gays in the Military
74 - Thunder
75 - Rain
76 - Hurricane
77 - Blizzard
78 - Snowing
79 - Sentient Robot Going About His Daily Business
80 - Computer Downloading a File
81 - New Email
82 - Traffic
83 - Kids Playing in the Park
84 - Kids Playing in the Park II
85 - Spaceship Flying
86 - Spaceship Crashing
87 - Going to Warp Speed
88 - Alien Supermarket
89 - Laser Gunfire
90 - Someone Controlling Technology by Waving Their Hands
91 - Ronald Reagan Taking a Shower
92 - Tacos
93 - Fur Coat Getting Fucked by a Bunch of Cats
94 - Tree Falling in a for est
95 - Jewish Person Saying “Oy Vey” Wrong
96 - Summertime
97 - People Being Diligent at an Ad Agency
98 - Helicopters
99 - Living Helicopter Complaining
100 - Chinese Woman Eating Lasagna
101 - Hero Returning From a Budweiser Commercial
102 - Elephant Having Trouble
103 - One of Those People on the Street Who Tries to Get Money
104 - Telephone Calling a to aster
105 - Grasshopper Asking a Dog a Question
106 - Shortwave Radio
107 - Two Apples on a Rainy Sunday in the Fall
108 - Dentist Having Sex
109 - Panda at a Hotel
110 - Birth Control Pills Telling a Little Boy Not to Eat Them
111 - Cat That Doesn't Mind
112 - Male to Othpaste Being Sneaky
113 - Creamy Polenta vs. Couscous
114 - Old Man’s Penis
115 - Dial to Ne
116 - Museum That Needs to Use the Bathroom
117 - Celebrity Agreeing to Take a Selfie
118 - Guy Getting a Sweet Beej
119 - Fire Hydrant That Doesn’t Want Anyone to Know It’s Anti-Semitic
120 - Bellhop Who Got Stung
121 - LGBT Party Where People Are Eating Sushi
122 - LGBT Newsletter That Loves the Expendables Franchise
123 - Sweaty Kid Crying About a Sandwich
124 - Too Many Pieces of Paper
125 - Puddle
126 - Magic Clown Using His Powers
127 - Wild Turkey Bragging About His Mansion
128 - Number 84 Explaining to the Number 52 That It Is Bigger But Not Better
129 - Tape Recorder Being Used Wrong
130 - Misogynistic Maple Trees
131 - Apple Sauce Being Naughty
132 - Safe Word
133 - Two Pistols Sitting on a Shelf
134 - Cookies Being Arrested
135 - Sheep That Is to o Cute to Eat
136 - Daughter Reacting to Her Mother Telling Her There Are Two Kinds of People in This World
137 - Desk Covered in Hair
138 - Person From 1870 Who Was Frozen in Time
139 - Boy Who Loves Hammocks
140 - Dustpan
141 - Billion Ants Writing a Complaint Letter
142 - Two 20-Year-Olds Touching Their Winkies
143 - Yellow Line That Divides Roads
144 - Smell of a Pear
145 - Group of Wealthy Men
146 - Confused Child
147 - 25 Rats Sleeping
148 - Flowers
149 - Fishing
150 - Boat
151 - Mizzenmast
152 - Bow
153 - Stern
154 - Basement
155 - Rainbow
156 - Telescope Being Defensive
157 - Larry King Being Told Important Information
158 - Well
159 - Moment a Well-Respected Author Wins the Guinness World Record
160 - Salad
161 - Little Girl Teasing a Lamp
162 - Zoo With Nothing to Lose
163 - Racist Stapler
164 - Friendship Bracelet
165 - Thor’s Hammer, Mjölnir
166 - Two Lost Fireflies
167 - Humpback Whale
168 - Elevator at the Empire State Building
169 - Tip of a Billionaire’s Penis
170 - Brand New Pillows Covered in Blood
171 - French Kids Picking Apples
172 - Huge Pile of Dirty Shirts
173 - Hotel Guest Falling Asleep Frustrated
174 - RomneyCare & ObamaCare
175 - Nerve of Some People
176 - Boner School
177 - Spilled Milk That Found Out Its Son Died in a Car Accident
178 - BuzzFeed List
179 - Two College Kids Subtly Trying to Figure Out Which One Is More Disadvantaged
180 - Fox News & MSNBC
181 - Amicable Divorce
182 - Bing-Bong Ding-Dong Playing With Boom-Boom Doom-Doom
183 - Snacks in Iraq
184 - Telecommuting Cat
185 - Nano-Horse
186 - Hebrew Ray
187 - Caldor Binge Drinking
188 - Gender Roles on Their Way to a Football Game
189 - Details
190 - School Teacher Given Permission
191 - High School Hockey Team Seeing 20 Years Into the Future
192 - Cheese
193 - Anna Kendrick Discovering an Underwater City
194 - Czech Republic
195 - Drug Lord Feels Pretty Bad
196 - Hotel Bed That Is Tired
197 - Warm Handmade Boiled Bagels
198 - Silly Billy Goat Got a Heroin Addiction
Disc 4:
1 - Medically Reliable Introduction to Digital Drugs
2 - Marijuana
3 - PCP
4 - Heroin
5 - Apple Cider Vinegar
6 - MDMA
7 - LSD
8 - Amoxicillin
9 - Peyote
10 - Amaretto Sour
11 - Oxycodone
Disc 5:
1 - Crying
2 - More Crying
3 - Still Crying
4 - I Simply Keep Crying
Disc 6:
1 - Welcome to My Russian Audio Phrasebook
2 - Common Statements & Questions for Everyday Situations
3 - Conversational Russian in the Workplace
4 - Casual Phrases for Parties, Pubs & Outings
5 - Proper Dinner Conversation for the Educated Guest
6 - Small Talk With Strangers & Acquaintances in Public Spaces
7 - Useful Phrases While on Vacation in Russia
8 - Commonplace Subjects Within the Rich World of Academia
9 - Polite Ways to Engage People of High Status
Disc 7:
1 - Intro to Ringtones
2 - Phone Call
3 - Vibrate Vibrate Vibrate
4 - Ding-Dong Doodly-Doo
5 - Waterfalls Shrimp Shrimp
6 - Fiddle-Doddle-Doodle-Deedle
7 - Doo-Doo-Pa-Dee-Da-Da-Pada
8 - Phone Is Ringing
9 - Friend
10 - Love
11 - Spicy Fish
12 - Mother Calling
13 - Father Calling
14 - Mother 2
15 - Father 2
16 - Zippa-Dee-Doo-Da Zippa-Dee-Da
17 - Aaaaaaaa
18 - Wife Calling
19 - Husband Calling
20 - Someone Is Calling
21 - Fuckface Calling
22 - Acquaintance
23 - Unnnnnn
24 - Auauauauauauau
25 - Wouowowoooouuuooo
26 - Whistle Ring
27 - Trtrtrtrtrtrtrllllbbrrr
28 - Vrrrvvvvvvvvvvbbbrrr
29 - Hyeuueehuuyehyeheyehyeyeeuu
30 - Gwreeegwkqreu
31 - Hrrruuhrrrunnghruu
32 - Hraaaa! Hraavlaa!
33 - Luuuuleelaaalalou!!
34 - Unnngnhhhnhnhnuua
35 - Answer the Phone
36 - Pffrrrtttt
37 - Susan Sarandon Is Calling
38 - Colleague
39 - Doodle-Doodle Hoo-Hoo
40 - Hey!
41 - Waffles
42 - Fuckbuddy
43 - Piano Cleaner
44 - Bryan
45 - Cream Cheese
46 - Rabbi
47 - Priest
48 - I Can't Answer the Phone
49 - Intro to Outgoing Voicemail Messages
50 - Dr. Fart
51 - Sarah
52 - Social Anxiety
53 - Sizzle-Maker
54 - Mittens
55 - Kate
56 - No Answer
57 - Debbie
58 - Andrew
59 - Phil Donahue
60 - Kaitlin
61 - Old Man
62 - Steve
63 - Lucy
64 - Judy
65 - Megan
66 - Leave Your Name
67 - Kim
68 - Tim
69 - Miguel
70 - Sebastian
71 - Penicillin Dong
72 - Thong McHacky-Sack
73 - Matt
74 - Katie
75 - Confident Balls
76 - Robert
77 - Mr. Shitface
78 - Pile of Sneakers
79 - Pasta Nasty
80 - Crème Fresh Jackson
81 - I Can’t Answer the Phone
82 - Flitchy Woo-Woo
83 - Slick Motherfucker
84 - Sleepy Horse
85 - Can’t Come to Phone
86 - Dawn
87 - I Am a Doctor
88 - Nick
89 - Poodle
90 - Hello, Mr. Cunt
91 - Standard Greeting 1
92 - Standard Greeting 2
93 - Standard Greeting 3
94 - Standard Greeting 4
95 - Standard Greeting 5
96 - Standard Greeting 6
97 - Standard Greeting 7
98 - I Can’t Answer the Phone (But I Want to )
Disc 8:
1 - Please Take off Your Shoes
2 - Don Draper Has the Flu
3 - Moons Over Your Hammy
4 - It’s Not a Slumber Party Without Thor
5 - Now My Back Hurts
6 - Waffle House Parking Lot Mix-Up
7 - Thank You So, So Much Mandy Patinkin
8 - Oops
9 - Sneaking Around the Zoo
10 - Goodnight, Buddy
11 - Baba Yaga Already Said She Was Sorry
12 - Faxed to the Wrong Number
13 - Linda Ronstadt Chillaxing
14 - 1960’s Street Fight
15 - Seriously Bro, You Just Made Me Goosh… Thanks
16 - You Can Call Me Al (Not Song)
17 - Don’t Worry, This Man-Nanny Can Keep a Secret
18 - Best Misunderstanding
19 - Whoa… Lookout, Sir Beast-Weasel
20 - Kindhearted Fireman
21 - Let’s Put Our Intellectual Property Debate on Hold
22 - Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. and Mrs. President
23 - Ice Cream Hearts Melting in the Love-Sun
24 - Offal for Lunch, Woo-Hoo for Dinner
25 - Goofballs Having Silly Fun
26 - Jackal Never Misses!
27 - Land-Grabber’s Cousin Has Nice Upstairs
28 - Mrs. Thunder/Mr. 80% Chance of Rain
29 - Don’t Mind if I Do…
30 - Round One Goes to Princess-Rump
31 - Happy and Stuffed
32 - Just Another Guns N’ Roses Brunch
33 - Pleasant Surprise at Sleepaway Camp
34 - Handsome Old Man Has a Tummy Ache
35 - Have We Met?
36 - No, Please… After You
37 - Gimme Back My Bonnie Raitt CD… Actually, Keep It
38 - Tollbooth Attendant Is Open-Minded
39 - 88% on Rotten to matoes
40 - Mischievous Whoopsy-Daisy
41 - Two Rascals Showing off
42 - 48 and Flexible
43 - That Was Worth It
44 - Bandits Helping Around the House
45 - Army Buddies Going Big-Ball Bowling
46 - I’m the Autodidact of Amour
47 - Oh, My Wife Knows
48 - That Was the Best FTP I Ever Uploaded
49 - Healing Heart/Mother-In-Law
50 - Just Two Doves at a Sweat Party
51 - We Get Five Weeks’ Vacation in Holland
52 - Young Man Is an Excellent Executive Administrative Assistant
53 - Two Adults in a Small Space
54 - Dude, We’re on the 5 O’Clock News
55 - Www.Thepleasuresallmine.Gov
56 - I Don’t Have the Hiccups Anymore
57 - Thank You for Allowing Me Access to Your Oven
58 - These Goat-Like People Know Their Bodies!
59 - Bill Clinton Is Still Quite Playful
60 - I Could Sure Use a Glass of Water Now
61 - Kindness of Strangers
62 - We’re Registered at Bed, Bath & Behind
63 - IT Department Doesn’t Have a Care in the World
64 - Brassy, Bald and Ejaculating
65 - I Voted for McCain in 2000
66 - New Car Smell, Old Car Feel
67 - Paul Can Really Push Good
68 - Stay in My Guest Room as Long as You Want
69 - David and Joshua Mutual Pleasure Exchange
70 - Doin’ the Flip-A-Doo
71 - Anti-Vaxxer “Saxophone” Relaxer
72 - Germaphobe Does Not Mind
73 - Very Sleepy Man Delivers on Promise
74 - Fourscore and Seven Years of Happy-Happy
75 - Fart Walrus
76 - French Woman Enjoying a Danish
77 - No Shirt, No Shoes: Service
78 - With or Without You (Preferably With)
79 - Shouts and Murmurs
80 - Pilates Are Invigorating
81 - I'll Take a Look at the Dessert Menu
82 - Last Rock Star
83 - It's Noon Somewhere
84 - My Bar Mitzvah Was Ten Years Ago
85 - Community Bookstore Meet-Up Gone Good
86 - Love Clean Up, Aisle One
87 - Found Your Thing Using MapQuest
88 - Divorced MILF at a Used Record Store
89 - This Cheesecake Is Divine
90 - Jam Session
91 - Can't Find My Socks (Don't Want to )
92 - Even Better Than an Associate Degree
93 - I Went to School in the Boston Area
94 - Happiness Is a Warm Dong
95 - Square Hole, Triangle Peg, Plus Another Square Hole
96 - Call Me Dr. Stardust
97 - Now That's How a Puppy Should Sneeze
98 - Fun Times Inside a Grain Elevator
99 - Operation Cooch-Toot
100 - Preggo!
101 - My Parents Won't Be Home for a Year and Five Days
102 - Sure, in There Is Fine
103 - Official Webcam of Yugoslavia
104 - Last Entry Is at Three, But You Can Stay Til Six(!)
105 - We Were Just Talking About You
106 - Bridesmaid Cutting Loose at the Governor Bradford
107 - Sophisticated?
108 - We Deserve a Michelin Star
109 - Mr. Mamet Showing off His Special for ces
110 - Soup Dumplings, Squish-Squish
111 - How Very Hemmingway of You
112 - Drinking Straight Out of Lust’s Milk Carton
113 - Amateur Anthropologist Makes Important Observation
114 - Senior Year Hebrew School Mischief
115 - I Wonder if This Was Allowed in Prussia?
116 - Pretty Fun Night in Merrill C3 Short
117 - Should We Take the Bridge or the Tunnel?
118 - Dirty Boulevard
119 - Is the Love-Falcon Available for Birthdays?
120 - Portland, ME Is Cool… But Really Weird
121 - Wish-Maker Will See You Now
122 - Head of Development Instructing Rugged Hiker
123 - Shenanigans You Requested
124 - What Gusto!
125 - Please Don’t Make This About Harold Pinter (Again)
126 - Wet Hot Americano
127 - Gentleman Never Reveals His Source
128 - Glad the to Wn Approved Your Slurping Permit
129 - Mime Betrayed, a Mime for Given
130 - Too Soon?
131 - Please Be Quiet Or You’ll Wake Up My Titties
132 - Never You Mind That
133 - She Got a Real Candy Apple Poot-Hooter
134 - Dolph Lundgren at That to P of His Game
135 - Mustachioed Man Has Patience, Diligence
136 - Two Gigolos, One Office Manager
137 - Secretary of State Is Not Off-Putting
138 - It to Ok Another Man’s Wife to Make This Boy a Man
139 - Nothing Goes to Waste
140 - My Mouse Is Thankful for Your Mouse
141 - Make Yourself at Home
142 - Meet Me by the Condom Machine
143 - I Feel Like I’ve Known You for Hours
144 - Oh, I Thought You Wanted Something Else, Glad It Worked Out
145 - Fire Your Dentist!
146 - Postwar Japan Is Well-Understood by These Two
147 - Gene Simmons Crying in a Pile of Shit
148 - I’m the Only Lady Who Could Pull Excalibur Outta There
149 - Rooting for Truffles, Miami Style
150 - Businessman Has Ding-Dong Like Rocket Ship
151 - Sally’s in Charge
152 - Too Much Pudding, Not Enough Spoons
153 - Turkish Parliament Has Approved This “Carrot-Man”
154 - It’s Raining Dan
155 - It’s Like Apples and Oranges (Fucking)
156 - College Is Exactly What I Was Hoping It’d Be
157 - Mentally Ill Farmer Is Finally Getting Help
158 - Swedish Couple Enjoying Hearty Vegetables
159 - Vulnerable Oligarch Vulnerably Sexting
160 - Best Friends/Next Level
161 - Tooth Fairy Is Quite Real
162 - Civil Disobedience Met With Heartfelt Understanding
163 - Textbook Case of Level-12 Pleasure
164 - So Glad That Was You Behind Me
165 - Astoundingly Honest and Fun Salesman
166 - Celebrating My Promotion With My Wife and Some Dude
167 - Martha Washington? Mmmm Hmmmm
168 - Crammin’ for the Jam Exam
169 - I’m Glad We Waited Til Dusk
170 - You Are as Powerful and Detail-Oriented as a River, Sir
171 - Just a Couple of Lucky Special Ed Teachers
172 - You’re Like John Adams Times 1.5!
173 - Babysitter Surprisingly Into Divorced Software Engineer
174 - I Guess We’ll Need a New Kitchen
175 - Guilty Catholics Have to Marry Each Other
176 - They Call Me the “You’re Welcome Man”
177 - Let’s Get Your Mind Off of the Dust Bowl
178 - So Relieved We Found This Abandoned Schoolhouse
179 - File Under “The Rolling Stones”
180 - No Need to Explain Your Clean Aqueduct
181 - My Poon-Noodles Are Your Doon-Poodles
182 - Two-State Solution With Benefits
183 - My Skill Set Qualifies Me for This Position
184 - Can’t Tell if This Is Sex or Hockey
185 - Have the Report on My Dick in the Morning
186 - So This Is Medicaid?
187 - Mature Cougar Is Addicted to Beej Pie
188 - Abe Lincoln (Not That One) Is Ready for Fatherhood
189 - Sure, You Can Use the Cat Door
190 - No Senator, I Already Have Two
191 - PTA Meeting Is Full of Joy and Wonder
192 - Oh Peter, Thank You for the Yard Work
193 - Real Whodunnit!
194 - Horace’s Compromise
195 - Plutocrats Got Feelings Too